Tell us your best clean joke!

Merin Porter

I'll kick this off with a joke Marjory sent me a week or two ago:

"How do you comfort a distressed editor? You say, 'There, they're, their.'"

H_D

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled

H_D

What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose.

H_D

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes.

Merin Porter

Haha! Love these, Heather!

Michael (Farmer Brown) Dirrim

Where's a good source for second-hand shellfish?

Your local prawn shop.

cathy.marcotte

A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, but she didn't know how to use it to open the door. She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. He asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car and I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to open my car door?

He said, "Sure". He walked over to her car and in less than two minutes had the door open. She hugged the man  and thru tears, softly said, "Thank you God for sending me such a nice man". The man heard her little prayer and said, "Lady, Im not a nice man. I just got out of prison. I was in for auto theft." The woman hugged him again, sobbing, "Thank you God" You even sent me a professional!"

 

 

Merin Porter

ROFL! Hilarious!!!

Merin Porter

Funny, Michael!

mommabear63066

And God said unto John " Come forth and I will give you eternal life. "

But John came fifth and he got a toaster...

bmaverick

Joke -

How many homesteading off-grid types does it take to change the light bulb?

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none !  They do not use light bulbs, only high efficient warm (3000K or less) LEDs.

AN1981

Why did the banana go to the hospital?  Because it wasn't "peeling" well.

krazie1952

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied. “You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained. "But I did slow down!” the guy argued. The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.” The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down – what’s the difference?” The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.

carriepinter.chicken65

I confess...i got this from a laffy taffy (I think)...

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?

 

A: He saw the salad dressing ; )

 

 

Bob.

What type of dog would you want to train intact a magician? A labracadbrador.

Iceni

3 Jewish mothers were eating at a  restaurant. the waiter came to their table after their meal.

"Was there anything you liked?" he asked.

oldmobie

A three legged dog hobbles into the saloon and goes straight to the bar. The barkeep approaches and asks: "What'll it be, stranger?".

The dog replies: "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my pa(w)..."

lorifloyd5

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?......................

Nothing! It just let out a little wine(whine)!!

???

oldmobie

A rope walking down the street gets thirsty and goes into a bar to order a beer. The bartender asks "Aren't you a rope? We don't serve ropes here, you need to leave."

Soon the rope finds another bar, where he's told the same thing: "We don't serve ropes, get out."

Seeing the third bar, the rope has an inspiration. He ties himself up and starts to rub himself on the sidewalk until hairy looking broken fibers stick out everywhere. Then he enters the bar.

Rope: "I'll have a beer, please."

Bartender: "Aren't you a rope?"

Rope: "No, I'm a frayed knot."

bgaar

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral service and a friend comes up and asks, "May I say a word". She says, "sure". He stands up in front of everyone and says in a loud voice, "Plethora!". The woman retorts, "Thanks. That means a lot!".

 

SuzanneGerard

What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

 

 

You get repossessed!

 

Ralston Heath

Why do Marines have leather necks?

 

Gaskets, for their jar heads.

AnnSocolofsky

A man was driving and he sees police lights behind him. "Oh, no, it's probably because I don't have on my seat belt." He quickly pulls over and tries to quickly and secretly fasten his seat belt.

The cop walks up to his car. "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No sir"

"You were driving without a seat belt. I am going to have to write you a ticket."

"But officer, I was wearing a seat belt" and the driver motions to the now fastened seat belt.

"Do you always drive with the seat belt fastened through the steering wheel?"

HeatherCaveny

You can never run in a campground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

lmikolyski

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again, and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

metaldog227

Two fish were swimming around in a tank.  One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

metaldog227

I went to have coffee at a friend's house the other day.  As I sat down she asked me, "Would you like a slice of Hummingbird cake?"

"Only if it's made with real hummingbirds."

lohrfam

I can't really take credit for this because I believe God told it to me.

I felt like God was asking me, Why is there so much trouble in this world? What started it all?

And before I could even really think about it, the punch line came.

Eve went shopping.

Think about it?

True happiness only really comes through gratitude and contentment for what God willingly provides. Wanting more than that is really lust.

God bless you.

Larry

sdpooley

The natural gardener was out weeding, digging out and pulling each one meticulously.  After hours of this her frustration with those horrible, noxious, disgusting weeds finally poured out of her mouth.  "I hate you, hate, you, hate, you, you disgusting obnoxious, noxious, horrible weeds.  There is no end to you.  I just wish you would all die!!!!  From the pile of collected weeds came this gentle, soft answer, "No problem, dearie,  we understand your frustration.  Just throw us over there and we'll bury ourselves."

Margaret Trevathan

How do you sneak up on a unique rabbit?

 

U-nique up on him!

 

How do you sneak up on a tame rabbit?

 

Tame way!

krazie1952

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive?" "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars. An ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand. An ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. And an ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"