Best Of

My best wishes to all of your who are currently in the situation of being a care giver. I have been there too. My dad had cancer which metastasized to his back and paralyzed his legs. Mom was still working and need a lot of help taking care of him. So my sister and I spent a lot of time with them. We were both married so that meant a lot of time away from our homes and husbands. I so often wished there was something I could do to help daddy get well, but that was not to happen. I am glad, in a sad sort of way, that I was able to spend time with him in his last days.

A few years ago I noticed that my neighbor across the street had changed her routine. Being the homeschooling mom I am, I would say hello when going out to get the mail in the middle of the afternoon or wave if the kids and I were out in the yard getting some fresh air and a break. I was finally able to get a chance to ask if everything was alright after a month or so.

Turns out she had been feeling bad for a time and getting worse. A trip to her Dr told her she had cancer in her lungs, stage 4. I had battled some cancer myself a decade before at the time, so I keenly felt for her. I proceed to assist in anyway possible, taking care of her dogs, which were elderly and easily upset therefore making it known by leaving "presents" on the hard wood floors, if she was gone for days at a time. I picked up her mail and my husband and I ended up taking care of her lawn too. I helped some with groceries and other things. Her lifelong friends, a husband and wife, I got to know well and we tag-teamed with things.

Her treatments began and she was gone quite a bit. So to try to keep the dogs from making too big of a mess I would be over there 4-6 times a day. While it was cooler during the end of winter/start of spring I left them in the back yard which was mostly shaded, with food and water. I ended up working with them to be able to take a walk around the block each evening. And often my family would join us and the kids would take the leashes. But as summer crept in and it became clear that she was not getting better in fact only worse. The cancer had metastasized to her throat and brain. She was having issues with medications and side effects. I don't believe she was eating much if at all. So I called her friend and he'd run her to the Dr again. She fell several times. In fact after her one Dr appointment I came over to check on her and the dogs. She came to the door and almost collapsed and I had to catch her. Several times this happened as I tried to get her back in the house and sitting. She didn't want to sit and said she was fine. In the kitchen she fell again and this time I couldn't catch her in time and that's when she broke her hip I think. She went in for surgery to replace it, then to rehab. She fell again and was back at rehab.

At the end of the summer she said she was done. No more chemo. No more radiation. No more treatments. She wanted to be home with her babies, her dogs. Hospice brought in a bed. And there were ladies that came and took shifts. The friends of hers, husband and wife, along with a couple of close friends where there as the hospice nurse gave us the instructions for her medication and dosage for the morphine to give her for the pain. I lived across the street so it was up to me to give the medications to her. I was there before 6am and the last dose in the evening around midnight. I continued to care for the dogs, get the mail and take care of the lawn. I was there as often as I could. Thankfully my parents had moved up that summer and they were taking care of my family so I could take care of her. I was in autopilot. I don't know how I managed it all. Trying to do everyday stuff plus school with my kids, with my parents help, thank goodness and everything to help her.

I had a procedure, colonoscopy and endoscopy scheduled I couldn't change, that was Monday morning. She had been getting worse over the weekend and I was just giving her morphine at that point. After my procedure I was resting when I wasn't over seeing her. My husband came and woke me saying that they called, and didn't think she was going to make it through the night and to come over right away it was just before 9pm. I said my goodbyes to her and sang Amazing Grace, though my throat was extremely sore and I could barely speak. Not long after she passed.

I had become close to her in those 6-9 months. Learning more about her and her sad life. She had buried her mentally ill daughter after she had committed suicide in her early twenties. Her husband and her mother not that long after. And the rest of her family became estranged. That was until she was on her death bed and they wanted to know her will. But I became very protective of this sweet woman and protected her from them. My husband and I were treated as her family at the funeral service. It was the highest honor and I was deeply humbled.

That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I honestly don't know how I did it. I did seek counseling after. I share this story with hopes it will encourage you. It is a long road that will end at some point but know there are those who have been down it in some way too. You are not alone.

@Monek Marie it is an all consuming responsibility you're absolutely correct. I hope you are able to find a way to get respite. @RustBeltCowgirl I hope that your and your father are able to get one too. Lifting both of you up.❤️

Like @Monek Marie no respite available. It's Dad and I. Unfortunately, Dad had a major hand in creating the monster. She has been catered to for years. Several years ago, I got the "scales ripped off my eyes" in a big hard way. I was on my way down the hall at the rehab facility (after another one of her falls) and heard: "I'm so spoiled. I don't have to lift a finger. If Pat won't do it, Larry will." One of the STNAs claims that I had flames and steam coming out of my mouth, nose and ears; with lightning bolts coming out of my eyes. I've been the "hard ass, hard hearted" daughter ever since.

Hopefully, we will get a couple of weeks relief soon. She might have to have the plate and screws removed from her elbow and the elbow fused. There is some sort of issue under there. That will mean time in a skilled nursing facility while she heals. The elbow was broken due to another fall from failing to think about what she was doing. Common occurrence.

I live with the motto: This too shall pass.

As many of you know my mom had pneumonia the end of April. Loosing her son a few weeks before also made the healing process more difficult.

I am struggling with her oxygen blood level, eating and exercise. Corona has picked up here again and the hospitals are restricted and I am really trying to get her back on track without a hospital visit. This is why I have been quiet lately. I check in but my mind is tired and believe it or not, I just don't have a lot to say.

It is very hard to care for you parent(s). I also get a lot of you should do this and that from family. I know there are others here that have the same struggle.

At least today her oxygen levels are better. Now if I can get her to eat dinner and not hide it, lol

@RustBeltCowgirl I am thinking of you and caring. Be encouraged by our little conversation here. We care. You are valuable and we appreciate your contributions to this forum. You are worth it!!!💚

Thank you @monica197 I appreciate the encouragement. It is definitely not an easy life. My patience gets a little short because she in many ways did this to herself. There are times that I think she stays up at night to think up the next crisis.